Written in June 2026, after drinking
After losing in every direction, I broke down
Three years of trading had put me through a lot, and I thought I had learned to take the ups and downs calmly. But a string of small losses broke me, and I started doubting my choices and direction all over again
Maybe my emotions slipped out of control, or maybe I was never that committed to begin with
The goal I set for myself: by 25, be basically free
At the very least, never have to do the things I don’t want to do
I pursue it the way Codex pursues a goal. I’ve put in plenty of effort, but the results have been thin
I’ve known about iteration for a long time. Iterate far enough and you break through the threshold into success. That’s the whole “failure is the mother of success” idea
But I believe more in success being the mother of success. I need one real success to prove myself
I was afraid of being alone, always looking for friends to chat or hang out with whenever I had free time. Then I realized it wasn’t loneliness. I was just bored
I kept hoping for a perfect friend, someone who could grow with me. Then AI and LLMs seemed to fit the need: set a role for it, self-evolving skills, persistent memory. Then I found the truth: the only one who fits is me
I started looking inward, and found my inferiority and my arrogance
I used to be an exam machine, leaning heavily on teachers. Then some bad things happened and I changed: question authority, break every rule. That became my demand of myself
But I realized it’s no different from doing exam problems. Before, I relied on authority and rules. Now I rely on tools and information edges. And using those things to break authority made me extremely arrogant, convinced I could break and change anything, while deep down I was still insecure, because of what happened before
I’m a superposition of extreme arrogance and extreme insecurity
Now I’m a tool boy. In form, it’s the same as the exam machine leaning on authority and rules
I put myself down all the time, convinced I can’t do anything well. But I’m the only one willing to have these deep talks with myself. Other people can only offer useless comfort, which does nothing for me
Only me, with me always